We often hear that if we could all be a little more helpful—a little more attuned to others' needs—the world would be a better place. And this old saw is true, for the most part: Studies have found that reaching out to benefit others is a great way to nurture our own physical and mental health.
Yet there is such a thing as being too selfless. What starts as a desire to make a difference in others' lives can morph into pathological giving, leaving you feeling wrung-out and resentful. If you're naturally inclined to reach out to others, here are some ways to set a healthier giving pace.
Look carefully at your motivations. Are you helping the other person because you genuinely want to, or are you helping mostly out of obligation (“I have to do this because it's what my mom [boss, minister, etc.] would expect”)?
If the latter, invest your time and energy somewhere else. Helping acts in which helpers are not fully invested are the kinds of acts that court burnout and resentment — and in general, basing your self-worth on others' opinions is a recipe for stress and dissatisfaction.
Refrain from help the other person doesn’t want. Helping should be a two-way street, with open communication to ensure the help offered is both wanted and constructive. Even if you have a gift or skill another person could use, proffering that gift despite the recipient’s resistance is worse than misguided, it's disrespectful. If you offer to cover a young relative's tuition and he says he's not interested in higher ed, insistence on giving the money conveys that you know better than he does what his path should be.
In the same vein, ditch “helping” strategies that interfere with others' development—the dreaded “enabling.” If your teen gets in trouble for skipping class, it might be tempting to swoop in and rescue her with an excuse note, but it's better to let yourself off the hook and let her experience the consequences.
Ask yourself how you feel when you help. Most of the time, helping should be a win-win proposition—you should feel good about giving someone else a leg up. If your helping efforts are more draining than inspiring, see if you can find another helping situation that actually adds to your happiness.
Above all, you shouldn't feel bad saying “no” to someone's help request if it will cause undue strain, mental, financial, or otherwise. Though leading a selfless life is one of the greatest gifts you can give others and yourself, supporting your well-being in the process ensures you’ll have enough fuel in the tank for future helping efforts.
Adapted from an article that originally appeared in Psychology Today.